Why do armadillos cross Missourah roads?
We’ll never know because none of them has ever made it all the way across.
I gave a friend a ride down to Poplar Bluff.
Heading down Federal Highway 67 (especially below Fredricktown) you see a lot of trees – and dead armadillos – but few businesses or other signs of economic activity except in the oasis at Poplar Bluff.
Oh, a few abandoned highway-side gas stations and motels (some offering a Bates Motel vibe) still stand, yet, since the completion of I-55 both Federal Highways 61 and 67 became local roads serving the struggling populations of the eastern Ozarks.
That became readily apparent when, heading back north, I stopped for a car with Arkansas plates with emergency flashers flashing. Just into Madison County on highway 67, the new-ish SUV barely made it into a left turn lane for a county road before becoming a paper weight. The driver (a woman a touch older than me) complained that she just had the vehicle checked-out on Friday, knowing she had a long trip this week. By the time I had popped the hood and eliminated obvious, easy things to fix a good old boy in a well used truck limped across the highway to see if he could help.
Every and again a large truck swooshed by, with a couple of cars mixed in but neither the local guy nor me ever had to wait for traffic as we fetched things from our vehicles. And, both the driver and I were able to carry-on clear phone conversations while standing behind the dead SUV.
Most of the conversations did not go well. The driver’s roadside assistance call center could not find our location – even after I used my iPhone to get our exact longitude and latitude. I called a friend a couple of counties over, only to learn that “I don’t know anyone who goes over there.”
Fortunately, the limping local man and another guy who’d stopped talked among themselves and remembered that a repair shop in Greeenville (population 455) had a tow truck and ‘ole Herb’ was a pretty obliging guy. (“Jus don’t get him talkin, here’s a bit unusual.”)
Sure enough, Herb got there quicker than a rabbit and he was happy to take the woman and her SUV back south to a dealership in Poplar Bluff.
Now, the good news was that in those parts you don’t have to wait long by the side of the road before folks stop to help. The bad news is that a probable transmission repair means better than a half hour drive. The population density there has always been light and today’s economy has little use for little towns surrounded by forest and rocks. In Madison County the median household income stands below $36,500 a year and down around ‘the Bluff’ it’s under $34,000. (St. Louis County: $57,500; St. Charles County: $70,000)
That’s why the limping man told me about dead armadillos, they’re the newest thing in those parts.
I left knowing the Arkansas driver was with like minded folk. Her SUV had a NRA sticker on the back window and a “No ma’am, you’re never getting my guns” bumper sticker on the back glass.
Glenn